Sometimes we make mistakes that are too big to be easily fixed. Sometimes we say things that cut so deaply that the bandaid we call "sorry" just isn't enough, it can't stop the pain or fix the relationship. What do we do when that happens?
I don't know.
I do know what it feels like to recieve a wound like that. I'm also sure that I've given them, but I don't remember those so clearly.
It happened to me most recently at work. My boss, whom I had always respected, said things to me in anger and frustration that cut deep. Worse, it happened when I was sick and not fully capable of defending myself. It happened one morning, when despite my better judgement, I went to work sick because I knew that they were going to be short staffed and a lot of things needed to be done. My plan was to cover the worst of the crunch and then go home. Boss, under the same strain as the rest of us, snapped when I told her this. She yelled (and I do mean with volume as well as nasty tone and words that really shouldn't be used in a work setting).
I was hurt and offended. I didn't have the brain power or energy to fight back just then. I just slumped off to my office to drop my coat and take the next dose of meds before heading to the front desk. I tried not to cough on the phone too much, or sneeze at the clients as they came it. Later that day Boss took a moment to say "sorry". I nodded and continued trying to get things done without spreading the plague.
What I really thought was: "You think 'sorry' is enough? I came in when I had every right to stay in bed. I was trying to keep from being too much of a burdon and this is the treatment I get. Now you think 'sorry' is going to be enough? Think again."
I don't know if it was the meds talking, or me just being over tired, or if it was real. But since I didn't have the energy to make my voice work I didn't say anything right then. Since then Boss has been acting like nothing happened, but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel different about her now. Much of the respect I had for her is gone, and only habit reminds me to treat her like the boss she is. I have even caught myself counting down the days until I graduate (which will be when I can quit without dire consequences).
Things have changed. They will never be the same again. And "Sorry" just isn't enough.