Sometimes we make mistakes that are too big to be easily fixed. Sometimes we say things that cut so deaply that the bandaid we call "sorry" just isn't enough, it can't stop the pain or fix the relationship. What do we do when that happens?
I don't know.
I do know what it feels like to recieve a wound like that. I'm also sure that I've given them, but I don't remember those so clearly.
It happened to me most recently at work. My boss, whom I had always respected, said things to me in anger and frustration that cut deep. Worse, it happened when I was sick and not fully capable of defending myself. It happened one morning, when despite my better judgement, I went to work sick because I knew that they were going to be short staffed and a lot of things needed to be done. My plan was to cover the worst of the crunch and then go home. Boss, under the same strain as the rest of us, snapped when I told her this. She yelled (and I do mean with volume as well as nasty tone and words that really shouldn't be used in a work setting).
I was hurt and offended. I didn't have the brain power or energy to fight back just then. I just slumped off to my office to drop my coat and take the next dose of meds before heading to the front desk. I tried not to cough on the phone too much, or sneeze at the clients as they came it. Later that day Boss took a moment to say "sorry". I nodded and continued trying to get things done without spreading the plague.
What I really thought was: "You think 'sorry' is enough? I came in when I had every right to stay in bed. I was trying to keep from being too much of a burdon and this is the treatment I get. Now you think 'sorry' is going to be enough? Think again."
I don't know if it was the meds talking, or me just being over tired, or if it was real. But since I didn't have the energy to make my voice work I didn't say anything right then. Since then Boss has been acting like nothing happened, but I can't stop thinking about it. I feel different about her now. Much of the respect I had for her is gone, and only habit reminds me to treat her like the boss she is. I have even caught myself counting down the days until I graduate (which will be when I can quit without dire consequences).
Things have changed. They will never be the same again. And "Sorry" just isn't enough.
Posted by Becca at January 11, 2006 01:37 PMAfter I read this I drifted back to something you said further up:
"I'm also sure that I've given them, but I don't remember those so clearly."
Most likely she doesn't either.
Angolan Proverb:
The one who throws the stone forgets;
the one who is hit remembers forever.
Addressing how she hurt your feelings is a good idea, but even when you try to do it in a non-accusatory manor some people get defensive.
Arabic Proverb
Write the bad things that are done to you in sand,
but write the good things that happen to you on a piece of marble.
Another thought would be to use the old "unsent letter" method - some evening at home just write what you'd say to her and toss it in the trash.
Brad
Posted by: Brad at January 13, 2006 01:00 PMI'm Sorry (In that Minnesotan way that means 'sorry I can't make it better for you.)
Folowing in the department of unasked for advise, you need to make an apoitment to talk to your boss. I know up untill this point you have liked your boss and more importantly this is still bothering you. When my work went through some various problems one of the things our concelers pointed out was that if something is bothering you, you have to face it and work it out.
Your boss wasn't on the receiving end of the out burst and probably doesn't even remember it the same way. So for her "Sorry" may be enough.
If I remember correctly from my notes from the work we did at work, the process is something like this. You tell her how you felt and she shares how it felt from her point of view. Once you each understand where the other one was comming from you move on to working out how to fix it and prevent repatition, weither it is some change in the relationship or establishing new ways to communicate.
The important part is that if it is still bugging you, confrount it, otherwise it will just fester. (It is bugging you enough to post about it.) You still have to work there for awhile so you might as well get it over with.
Advise from ten time zones from someone who hasn't seen you in mounths. Take care.
Posted by: Andy K. at January 12, 2006 07:20 AM